Pop Culture Sacrifice: Twilight Edition

I like to think of myself as a pop-culture aficinado, but I realize that I have a lot of blind spots, movies and television shows that I have never watched, books I have never read and music never listened to and occassionally I try to rectify the situation sometimes to great result, "The Wire" was amazing!! Can't believe they never got an Emmy.  On the other hand I have yet to watch an episode of "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer", though weirdly I have seen almost every episode of "Angel" for which I blame insomnia and TNT.

All that to say that I recently caught up on the pop-culture phenom known as the "Twilight Saga".  As the penultimate movie "Breaking Dawn" premiered, FX began to air the first movie "Twilight" seemingly every 6 hours and thus I watched, like anyone I was curious to see what all the hype was about, why people were waiting outside in the rain to get tickets to this, why it inspired fascination in some and such hatred in others. Sometimes this hatred manifests itself to hilarious effect, as in the case in Baratunde Thurston's "live hate tweeting" if you haven't seen it, check it out here.  Also, I'm intrigued by "Twilight" because in a few months "The Hunger Games" will be hitting theaters and people have already been trying to compare them.  And as a fan of the books and supporter of Katniss Everdeen, I had to see what this Bella Swan chick had going on.  To say that I was disappointed was an understatement.  No, I have not read any of Stephanie Meyer's books, so I don't know what was taken out of the movie that is in the books, but as Ms. Meyer's is a producer of the films I am sure that any changes that were made are ones that she approved of and thus I feel comfortable comparing the characters from these two series.

Having digested all of these movies in just a matter of days, I saw New Moon and Eclipse in the same day and then Breaking Dawn the next, so all of this is pretty fresh.  I haven't committed myself to a series like this since I o'd on Battlestar Galatica one summer.  My first reaction, WTF???? Seriously, Bella mumbles and stutters and is just so uncomfortable in her own skin that I found it difficult to watch let alone care about her as a character.  Sure I could buy that moving in with her father after many years away and joining a new school is difficult and that you'd feel shy, but I am supposed to believe that this girl used to take dance lessons as a child? (She's lured there by the vampire that wants to kill her). No way! As for Edward, if he wasn't a vampire he'd be called a stalker, it is not romantic that he's been sneaking into her room at night and watching her sleep, it is creepy.  Then there is Jacob who isn't that bad in the beginning but that hair was the worst.

The romance between Edward and Bella is something that is unspoken. Which I wouldn't really mind if he could actually read her thoughts like he can with everyone else but she is closed to him and those of the powerful Volturi.  Edward and Bella just make moony eyes at each other and occasionally make out.  So she's not freaked out that he and his entire family are vampires, it intrigues her and she wants to become one. The whole speech she gives about always feeling different and feeling herself with him, is a great piece of self realization but it doesn't mean that she needs to become a vampire, it is the worse argument ever.  I couldn't help but think, maybe if she wasn't a virgin that she would have thought differently.

Why aren't there more protests to this marriage? These movies have been over the course of 3 years but in the span of the story it has only been a year and they're getting married for the worst comprise ever, "If you make me a vampire, I'll marry you. If you marry me I'll make you a vampire". The mind boggles, can't you find something else to do?

My main issue with Sparkle Vamp is that if he was a regular dude he'd be a borderline abusive boyfriend, his one redeeming quality is that he doesn't want her to become a vampire. As for wolf boy, all I can say is thank goodness they cut that hair. I don't get the attraction to Jacob either. He's a kid she used to make mud pies with who is crushing on her hard.

Can we just talk about Bella's parents? Her dad is a cop but doesn't suspect something is off with the Cullens, let alone with his close friends tribe? Worst detective ever.

All in all the spectacle of Twilight left me empty. I did not feel my allegiance pulled toward Edward or Jacob. If anything I'm team Rosalie, she's the most sensible character in the movie.

In the end what does this all mean? Unlike my sister I have not become a Twihard. Will I see "Breaking Dawn: Part II", sure because it is hard to look away from a train wreck.  I'll be the one yelling at the screen going "are you kidding me?" and probably cackling too.